Wednesday, 12 August 2015

Silk for skin

The fleeting idea of meeting you intersects with the inevitable idea that we weren't meant to be in my mind.
You were the full moon to my wolf, the stars to my empty night canvas , the inescapable sun in my quiet mornings , the dew on the the leaves and the cheerleader on the sidelines,the strength of my being and the the survival of my existence. My skin wouldn't breathe without you and my heart refused to shelter what it should in your place.

Separation was inevitable and prewritten,  I fought wars with destiny and you battled with scars I couldn't see and didn't hear about because we weren't talking , I learnt to grow and you learnt to live and baby, I was still naive .

I still thought we'd learn from mistakes

and learn from it when the ground gave way

beneath our feet and

dear god help me

Realise that you're not my friend. You can't be

You're the afterthoughts I try to forget ,the blackness in the night as it envelops me , the brokenness in the forgiveness I had to concede for the apologies I never received ,you're the hurt in the aftermath of a cursed relationship , you're the devil herself and you almost broke me. You're the bitterness in my coffee. You're the acid in my mouth the memories I breathe when I try to erase you from me you're the fingerprints on my skin in places that shouldn't be that will testify against me and

And I'm trying not to be a sinner.
Forgive me.

Sunday, 9 August 2015

Writers aren't meant to swim

We were born on dark nights when the sky was streaked purple and blue and the fire in your eyes has never dimmed since. I was a miracle , you were the only one who could break me. Blood never betrays blood and it's all a fucking fantasy and I'm the delusional dimwit that soaked in it all before the last wave I lapped up absolutely drowned me.
You're beautiful but you're a curse.
And I swear I thought I could save every lost soul drowning on every broken ship that feebly attempted to sail through the curse that people like to call life and after all this time that's the one quality under my fingernails I can't quite scrub out with cynicism: naiveté
And even though I was shown over and over
I was nobody's savior
It still hurt to not save you
It still hurt that I was her 2am call and I couldn't cushion her against the waves
Be her lifeboat , her lamp, her raft
I let her  drown
But it burnt most of all to be lied to by your own being
You can only save the drowning while you're afloat
And my bloodstained lungs let me think it was air I was breathing
And not

Monday, 3 August 2015

The enjoyment of deception

I need to stop needing you like the leaves need the air and the grass needs the water and I swear
The drunk couldn't love his drink like I've loved your
A .
Life has  made us out to be
Chess players with Alzheimer's and soldiers practically paraplegic with all the fucking loving we did it drained us and all I can ask is
Was it real
Any of it?
And when the illusion has drained us
and we are just
Under the choke chain of desire
Goddamn it, oxytocin ,
Will you still believe for a moment that
You loved me
Will I?

Strings attached

Why are we always so inevitably dysfunctional?
My existence has insistently become strings of words I shouldn't have said and memories I'm trying to forget
your face
is always in the fading background and I unfailingly
Feel like
I failed
To save you
From myself
From you
.from the insecurity of the 3 am but you didn't
And we were both so very sorry and yet so completely

Receding into the paths we took like keeping in touch didn't matter , I tried to forget you and you forgot what you were created for and we are both
So dysfunctional we're practically meant for each other
And the bitter irony in words unsaid
Is that we can read each others minds.
I know I wasn't enough.
But perhaps it was because I was made for someone else
I stopped loving you in the winter of the new year and twenty four months later you can still crush me like glass under your heels and
My beloved,
You didn't even have to