Saturday, 29 December 2012

Your words still hurt like glass shards long after I pulled them out of my maimed and broken body

I waited an eternity for somebody to fix me
and pray that I'll never be afraid again.

I waited eternity for the tears and the shaking to cease, and for the fear of you to leave

I waited in vain for death and its offerings in blissful sleep

I prayed though my faith was beginning to falter and fail
I prayed for an end to the darkness and for the sun to shine again

I prayed for light
and for the will to survive.

Sunday, 9 December 2012

A while ago I told myself I wouldn't care and for some time, I didn't and to be honest, it was easy to live without   caring about you because it was living without dealing with you, without hurting. 

But truth, especially bitter ones can only be buried for so long before they snake their way out of the dirt into heat that melts tears beneath my closed eyelids and threatens to break me completely. Because the truth I try to run away from is that it hurts that after years of friendship and a million moments shared and countless jokes and laughter that bound us together, all you can remember is the bad phases and the fights and where I messed up. I know where I was wrong and where I let my temper get ahead of me and let myself speak what I didn't mean in the heat of the moment, but I've changed when you were gone and I've learnt to shut up before I hurt people I care about. 

But you won't understand and today all you could possibly think of me is the person I once was and you refuse to change that frame of mind and you refuse to believe I do care, so much that the notion has gained momentum and a lot of people have ended up telling me I don't care as much I should about you, and some days I wonder if it's people's opinion that hurts me or the voices inside my own head. I did try, not to care to save myself from being hurt by the resentment you hold for me, but you can't bottle up and forget feelings, I do care and it does hurt and I wish it wasn't like this and I wish I could rewind and change what I did or make you forget where I failed as a friend. Some days I wish you wouldn't dismiss so easily what we had, I wish you would forgive me because I was a kid like you, and still had so much to learn, even though I thought I didn't. I wish people would think before they judged me and our friendship so easily and sometimes  I wish I had an outlet for this frustration that builds inside me for all the things I can never change.