Thursday, 26 June 2014


This ache is incessant. I can feel it clawing around the edges of my consciousness , trying to drown me again. I thought it would be so easy. I cannot care so intensely , it is consuming me, burning my skin into fragments, feeding a fire I thought I had the power to kill. I've reduced myself, I'm afraid , that I will not matter , in the end, to you.  I toy with the idea that I never have. You never failed to deliver disappointment,  I never failed to deliver tears. I wonder if this will be anything like I wished and hoped and prayed for it to be. You're woven too damn deeply into this tapestry inked across with the bitterness of faint memories and the smoke of the inevitable. It is tempting to force you out, pull at the one thread that has your colour  draining all over it and risk shredding the entire masterpiece. You remind me of my darkest places and I cannot stand to look directly in your eyes. I am afraid. Of breaking the delicate spell of walking curtly around the edges, pretending we don't know what we know, and jerking ever so slightly when the spaces between our words diffuse to something we've fought to counter the existence of.
The first time I escaped I could hear a hundred hearts singing their freedom and now it's just a vast, emptying, draining silence. The endless depths of resigned acceptance.

Friday, 6 June 2014


" I think the only happy people are those who can forget. I think the only way I'll ever be at peace is after I die. "

Don't think of her face, don't think of what she said, don't think of the fury burning red underneath her skin just like it consumes you now, because you're of the same blood. Fire doesn't put out fire , baba told you that, but you didn't listen kid, and you got burned, you got burned and you blamed a thousand others before you realised it was your hate charring you to the bone. I don't want any more empty nights staring up at the ceiling. Don't look at the boy in the black shirt, he has too beautiful a face and it reminds you too deeply of pain, and no,  God no you don't need reminding. Don't think of mama, you hurt her too much and it still kills you today, don't think of her fried chicken when you miss her and please don't think about how you'll miss out on him growing up, and don't think about how you were so afraid for your cousin and how you've learnt you'll always love some people more than they'll ever love you back, and don't think about the hurt when love turns to hate like it has all too often for you, and don't wonder what's wrong with you when you stare at your palms and they seem crooked and you wonder if they cut you up and ripped your heart out, will it be as black as your burnt bones when you were done with your hate. Don't listen to the music that makes you happy because you hate that it can speak to you like that, don't think about her face when she said I will never forgive you, don't think of the cloud that darkened his eyes when you failed him again, and don't think of wrists slit so deep they left pits instead of scars. 

Swallow this dignity, you were meant to be humiliated, and people lied, the pain didn't fade with time, it got stronger and you got weaker and don't cry, there isn't anyone to tell you that it will end, this will end, and the tears wouldn't put out the fire that has chafed you away. Don't think of the bitter words that tasted like acid on your tongue when you thought of them, and god how much you wished you could take them back, but they cut through the air and  reached her and her hurt remained inked in time forever. And in the aftermath it was just you, and you swore you were whole but  when the smoke and fumes died down, you were only ashes,burnt and blackened and nothing else.