Thursday, 24 May 2012

Only evolution

Am I doing this wrong? Was I meant to be doing something more? Something else? Am I hurting you? Have I changed in ways I cannot see? Has my faith fallen? Have I become unbearable? Or have I always been this way? Is there an answer to anything? Am I so lost I cannot see where I've failed? As a person, a friend, a sister, a human? Does it matter that I do not understand? Do I not deserve a second chance? Why doesn't anyone deserve a second chance? Why is everything I know about me, that is solid and secure fading? Would it change anything if I apologized? I want you to apologize, is that wrong? Am I wrong? Why do I not know? Why is my sense of judgment failing? Why am I failing people I love? Do my tears mean nothing? Do I mean nothing to you? I want to matter, I hope I'm not wrong, I hope I find a way, before I fade, before I fail again, before it's too late.

Friday, 4 May 2012

Spinning into infinity

A big black endless hole
Stars above, beckoning
Come out into the light
Because there's no rope
Shining above me, twinkling fireworks and promises
There is nothing good anymore, nothing happy
And there is no light
Not here
Still falling
There is no bottom, I realize
Just before the ground hits me,
breaking bones
Blood on my fingers
Tears on the sky
Blurring the stars
Everything is black
Violets will never bloom again.

 * * *

An hour passes
The bleeding stops
But not the burning
The skin is torn apart,
I can see the inside
I am alone
Oh but for you, I was never good enough
I was ugly before I was born
How did your heart turn to pebbles and grit?
Thrown together
So much ice and stone
So cold
Fingernails and fists 
Breaking my defense
It was still my fault
It was always my fault
Breaking my heart
Not that you care
Breaking my wings
But you'd already cut them off
Before hope could hope to be born
And all of them are dead
love and hope and prayers
and my plentiful worthless tears
Buried in a field of violets
But you shut off the sun, so the violets don’t grow anymore
Now it’s all black.

But I promised myself I would be happy so I smiled
Even though my tears ran a river
and your words swam in it
I took your hate and put it in a cardboard box
and then I taped it up so it could never get to me
Acid, dripping off your tongue, scarring
Your hate seeped out of the cardboard box
drop by drop like poison
Burning everything in its path, sucking oxygen and hope
while my tears are flowing down a valley
the streams are becoming a river, it merges, it is a sea
It is overflowing, overwhelming, I cannot breathe

It is seeping into the ground, giving back life to everything you destroyed
It is flowing into the field where the violets stand   
Nourishing their empty purple hearts
My faith is no longer shattered
Arise from the barren fields
Hope, no longer dead
My desperate prayers have been accepted
The cardboard box may be open
Your hate is free to roam
But your words mean nothing to me
But I am no longer in the black hole, no longer unhappy
No longer under your control
The stars are real, they were not lying
I am whole again, and perfect
But above all, I am happy
I can smile again, I am free
Tonight I will not cry myself to sleep
Tonight I will sleep in peace
Holding on to the belief
That to someone, I mean something
For them , I will live
And for them, I will breathe
Even after you take the light from every part of me
Even after you steal the sun from my violet field