Friday, 22 November 2013

surface scratches

I need to feel alive. I need to jump from somewhere up high just so when my bones break I know they were really there and that there's a body of me and parts of me and bits of soul clinging to it, all trying to hang together to stay alive.I need to touch something and see the mark my fingerprints leave on it to prove to the world I'm not invisible as they would have me believe. I'm here, I'm human, and I'm alive and I still have time.

I wish I could make tangible lines to mark what I know for sure and what has washed away with time. I wish I could pick out a passing second in time and know for sure that's when I started falling apart so I could turn back and fix whatever was breaking inside me. I hope this will be behind me one day, I'm tired of permanence and I'm tired of change, and I'm tired of the ground shifting underneath my feet so when I look up I'm not really where I thought I was. I don't want to be confused anymore, I don't want to be scared
and alone and depressed and overcome by the waves I drowned within me, and I don't want all the scars I ever fought to resurface on my skin, just to prove to me I'm not whole. I'm fragile like my skin when it flakes off to reveal my imperfection. I'm empty as my eyes when the tears have run dry and empty as your words when you tried to apologise. I'd claim to be immune but my weaknesses are showing through the cracks and peels when I can't hide underneath the guise of my skin anymore. Seek the light, you told me once, and I've been searching ever since.

Tuesday, 19 November 2013


I've been daydreaming about 
that fateful afternoon
When our eyes met and smiles 
danced in conversation

And how your heartbeat quickened
When we were sipping coffee
The tremble in your palm
When you reached out to touch me

And your breath warming my flushed cheeks
When we were too breathless to speak.

I remember here, in this room 
Your chocolate kisses and your fingertips 
When we swayed back and forth
On the currents of fickle faith
I remember all the promises you made
That you never managed to keep
I remember my absolute naïveté.

I've been thinking about empty mornings
And the air heavy with your absence 
and how our words blurred into silence
And the silence ceased to be comforting.

I've been trying to remember to forget
The way our fingers seemed to interconnect
The way you moved with easy grace
Your luscious lips upon my face

So here it is, empty room and empty words
I've tried talking about it, but I doubt you heard
Or cared either way.

The coffee cups sit empty
The silence is overwhelming
How do you undo a part of your life
And disconnect it from your living?

How do you manage to break things that are already broken?
How do you bury words that have already been spoken?
Is there no limit to the grief I can feel?
When the darkness devours the light
And everything becomes unreal 
When you're no longer by my side
Where does the phantom pain begin to ache 
When I can't find home because it isn't a place

Tuesday, 12 November 2013


Where does the warmth in your arms go when you don’t want to hug me any longer? Where does the light in your eyes disappear to when you don’t want to smile any longer?  Where does the comfort of sunlit afternoons go in the winter?

Why does everything beautiful disintegrate? Why are we forever being subject to change? When we are weaklings, unfit to survive slights.

Where do memories go when I refuse to relive them? Why has the passion in your eyes diffused to steely stares? Where does your heart go when it ceases to care? Where do your unspoken words go when the space between us grows? How can you be? So still and so silent and so cold.

Where does the sun go when the sky weeps?

 Where do I go when you’ve replaced me?

"I know someday you'll have a beautiful life
I know you'll be a star, in somebody else's sky
But why, why, why can't it be mine?"
- Pearl Jam, "Black"