Friday, 11 September 2015

In your face , life.

This tank of steaming hatred jarrs  my bones when it runs through my veins, so scalding and unearthly in its heat, and why did I spend life writing letters apologising for feeling things I was not wrong to feel ,for people who couldn't spare a single sheet 's explanation to me? Why did I expect this city of blackened hearts and  lost souls to save the remnants  of what has become of me when only and only He could ? I have exhausted life giving the ocean to people who refused to give me drops and did it take them leaving me on my knees to finally realise that they were not worthy of me ? They could not hold the heart that had a place for them because the raw flesh scared them too much for them to be able to find the beauty that lay behind the blood and the tears; and make this path I've walked,  mark my mistakes so when I look back I will never make them again , I know them by heart , one of them is a person's face and one of the is the things I said and let the devil know my destination is different than his and dear god let me never be afraid.  Let me never doubt for one day that you will help me find my way after the ocean has swelled up and the flood has washed away everything I became. Let the heaviness of resolution sink into my nerves, let me never settle for less than I deserve and let me never forget that which weakened me to this 3 am rendezvous with dry eyed determination,  to never let the worst of me drag me down from the best person I can be, this girl will never let the world make her feel like dirt again.

These sycophants are bent on carving my bones into the branches of the goddamn giving tree, forever giving and giving and receiving nothing and being happy with the nothings I received  in return for everything I breathed. I used to think forgiving meant I let them use me again and forgetting the one sided bend of a cursed relationship but now I've realised I'm forgiving them and it doesn't necessarily exclude forgetting them. Because I'm not apologising for leaving behind all that dragged me beneath the drowning waves and then  made me apologise for shutting my eyes to the injustice that was done to my lungs.

They will beg you to be there for them and refuse to acknowledge your existence and then guilt you into letting go of the dignity that was meant to be yours and when you finally untangle their fingers from around your throat and walk this road with bare feet on coals that seemed so terrifying to do , you will find it is liberating beyond the last layer of burnt sole, beyond  the last breath of ash and smoke, beyond the last strip on the horizon your eyes behold , liberating,  to breathe on a future as far as you can see with the promise of their absence.

Monday, 7 September 2015

The bitterness of longing for things you'll never have is matched only by the bitterness of realisation of truths you never wanted to be true.

" there's no use trying to fix things that are destined to be broken."

My life has become the song broken heartstrings play off key and out of tune. My words have become rusted orange with disuse and my tongue is burnt black with the sin of misuse and I'm a walking contradiction of the rules I've imposed on myself , the productivity obsessed couch potato and I've forgotten to do the dishes yet again but you haven't forgotten to complain about them.

Oh but to you , I'm always going to be nothing more than an unmade bed, undone dishes and an indecipherable head. You couldn't tolerate a day what I've tolerated for years and you made sure everybody heard when you screamed my faults to the world and you are the designer of scars I've learnt never fade. And I'm tired of the way I still rise to the bait. I can't be sorry enough and yet I can't forgive enough and I'm begging for release, for a sleep that means peace and dreams in which I mean more than the worst parts of me.

I want someone to value me for more than my skin and the thickness of my hair and the shade of lipstick I wear. I want somebody who will care about the thoughts and reflections I make that keep me awake and the writing that keeps me alive at night. I want somebody that loves my flaws and doesn't just accept them, I want somebody to value me and not just my degree and not just my body
, I want somebody to see through the clothes I wear to the soul inside and the scars it bears , I want somebody who can keep me calm when the anger bleeds out of me and I  want somebody who is a reality and not just a six am fantasy.


Come every sunrise
I find myself struggling
Fingertips curled in tear stained pillows
Eyeliner messed, I'm in
Naked distress.
My head is a dark, haunted place
And you're the ghost that keeps me awake
I sleep every night
Drunk with thoughts of you
I awaken to your absence.
I have earned myself a lifetime of regret
Exhaled in sighs and goodbyes that were never truly said
The sheets lie crumpled in my bed
the morning sun is unwelcome
Your rejection stings
the wounds you left still burn.
And I am resigned to living
A life unloved.