Friday, 11 September 2015

In your face , life.

This tank of steaming hatred jarrs  my bones when it runs through my veins, so scalding and unearthly in its heat, and why did I spend life writing letters apologising for feeling things I was not wrong to feel ,for people who couldn't spare a single sheet 's explanation to me? Why did I expect this city of blackened hearts and  lost souls to save the remnants  of what has become of me when only and only He could ? I have exhausted life giving the ocean to people who refused to give me drops and did it take them leaving me on my knees to finally realise that they were not worthy of me ? They could not hold the heart that had a place for them because the raw flesh scared them too much for them to be able to find the beauty that lay behind the blood and the tears; and make this path I've walked,  mark my mistakes so when I look back I will never make them again , I know them by heart , one of them is a person's face and one of the is the things I said and let the devil know my destination is different than his and dear god let me never be afraid.  Let me never doubt for one day that you will help me find my way after the ocean has swelled up and the flood has washed away everything I became. Let the heaviness of resolution sink into my nerves, let me never settle for less than I deserve and let me never forget that which weakened me to this 3 am rendezvous with dry eyed determination,  to never let the worst of me drag me down from the best person I can be, this girl will never let the world make her feel like dirt again.

These sycophants are bent on carving my bones into the branches of the goddamn giving tree, forever giving and giving and receiving nothing and being happy with the nothings I received  in return for everything I breathed. I used to think forgiving meant I let them use me again and forgetting the one sided bend of a cursed relationship but now I've realised I'm forgiving them and it doesn't necessarily exclude forgetting them. Because I'm not apologising for leaving behind all that dragged me beneath the drowning waves and then  made me apologise for shutting my eyes to the injustice that was done to my lungs.

They will beg you to be there for them and refuse to acknowledge your existence and then guilt you into letting go of the dignity that was meant to be yours and when you finally untangle their fingers from around your throat and walk this road with bare feet on coals that seemed so terrifying to do , you will find it is liberating beyond the last layer of burnt sole, beyond  the last breath of ash and smoke, beyond the last strip on the horizon your eyes behold , liberating,  to breathe on a future as far as you can see with the promise of their absence.

1 comment:

  1. It's important to realize that life isn't fair, especially not for those that keep on giving. It's a shame and you want it to be different but no one can do everything by themselves.

    / Avy


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