Friday, 22 November 2013

surface scratches

I need to feel alive. I need to jump from somewhere up high just so when my bones break I know they were really there and that there's a body of me and parts of me and bits of soul clinging to it, all trying to hang together to stay alive.I need to touch something and see the mark my fingerprints leave on it to prove to the world I'm not invisible as they would have me believe. I'm here, I'm human, and I'm alive and I still have time.

I wish I could make tangible lines to mark what I know for sure and what has washed away with time. I wish I could pick out a passing second in time and know for sure that's when I started falling apart so I could turn back and fix whatever was breaking inside me. I hope this will be behind me one day, I'm tired of permanence and I'm tired of change, and I'm tired of the ground shifting underneath my feet so when I look up I'm not really where I thought I was. I don't want to be confused anymore, I don't want to be scared
and alone and depressed and overcome by the waves I drowned within me, and I don't want all the scars I ever fought to resurface on my skin, just to prove to me I'm not whole. I'm fragile like my skin when it flakes off to reveal my imperfection. I'm empty as my eyes when the tears have run dry and empty as your words when you tried to apologise. I'd claim to be immune but my weaknesses are showing through the cracks and peels when I can't hide underneath the guise of my skin anymore. Seek the light, you told me once, and I've been searching ever since.

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