Saturday, 31 March 2012

For the best friend I've ever had

It’s on nights like these that I miss you the most, your quiet wisdom and your unfailingly right solutions to everything. It was what would comfort me the most when I was faced with what seemed like the hugest problems in life, that I could enter your door, always unlocked to me, five minutes away and find within a way to stop the flood of tears and answers to all my questions and probably, the truest home I’ve known. I miss talking about everything late into the night, and finishing your sentences, when everything was so right and so perfect. It’s times like those I want to preserve forever so I can revisit them when I’m in the darkest of places.

Most of the time, I make it through, though I’m confused if it’s others making judgments or just me judging myself. Lately I’ve just taken to crying it out, there’s pretty much no other way to deal with it, I don’t think anyone knows me as well as you do and no one could be of as much help. It’s ridiculously difficult not having someone to talk everything out to, someone who understands and has solutions and gets your jokes. It’s like missing a soulmate.

It is hard being the strong one, the sensible one and the dependable one all of the time. I see it now that you’re gone and that responsibility has naturally fallen to me, and sometimes I think I’m failing at it. Sometimes I think I’m not suited to the job even though I try very hard, I do. Most of the time, I wish you were here to tell me it was okay, and that I was good enough.

I have no idea how you did what you did for me, and probably for everyone you know, too. Your strength seems so infinite sometimes, it shocked me when you broke down once in front of me. It was so easy to forget you were human, and only a girl, although older than me. You probably had to swallow all your problems to make room for everyone else’s and it would just seem that you had none at all, when in actuality, you probably had the most. To put others before yourself is something I’m only truly beginning to understand when I stand in your shoes, even though I feel like I don’t deserve them. You are one of the most selfless and beautiful people I know, and I am truly lucky to have met you.

I miss you. Not all the time, not everyday, but when I realize I have to do everything on my own, and how much easier your presence made everything. When I do, it hits me hard. I pretty much remember everything about you and just the fact that your physical presence is far away makes me feel utterly alone, a deep and endless ache, because you are truly irreplaceable, in every possible way.

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