Thursday, 3 October 2013

"Remember everything", she says when only the memory remains

If of all words of tongue and pen,
The saddest are, "It might have been,"
More sad are these we daily see:
"It is, but hadn't ought to be."
-Francis Brett Hart

You did the favour of gracing me today

With your presence
Which wasn’t needed, I assure you
I didn’t particularly miss you in 
Your absence.
I mean, I may have looked at our old pictures
Of when we were smiling and laughing
When we were happy.
I may have cried a bit, or a lot
But I didn’t miss you, no.
I may have missed out on cleaning the hall closet
Like I planned, but I was too busy having my heart broken by you
And you, you were too busy with university
And your excuses, excuses, excuses.

But don’t worry about me, I have learnt
To keep busy
To keep my heart beating and my brain working and my lungs breathing
Without constantly reminiscing, remembering, breaking.

I may have recalled the way your shoulders cushioned my cheekbones
When they were tear scarred and sobbing
And wondered if those shoulders will ever be comforting
Like that again.
Now I’m forbidden to talk about things
That we always used to talk about
I found home in your heart
And now I’m a stranger in my own home.

I confess, I wasn’t ready for this abyss
This big gaping space next to me
Where you used to be
I wasn’t ready to be broken
At least not by you.

But it’s okay, you’re too busy
To bother loving me
And I don’t miss you. I don’t.

And screw you for saying
We barely made it. We did.
And each fight just made me realize
That we can survive the worst parts of each other
And still love unconditionally.
Screw you and your
Goddamn epiphanies.
When you realize you don’t want to be
Overly attached to me because
I’m” leaving anyway”
That’s like trying to not
Love your family for fear of the pain they will cause when they die.
Be brave enough to love me, damnit.
Be brave enough to care.

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