Saturday, 19 December 2015

If you don't have a heart , can you ever find home ?

My lips are stained with yesterday's sins and my mind winds itself around these unread tracks , the words I've counted on fingers, and remained forever unsaid, I've let her slip through yet again and I've only to wonder if this sort of callousness is but consistent with my nature , the one I'm battling with every breath , I am forever between a prayer and a sin.
But I've called up this number, is it still yours, I'm in town again and I cannot help but remember how the summer air tasted when you breathed in it and do you want to see me ever again?

I've carved company in coffee shops between pages and crumpled receipts,  in airport lounges and between bus stations, shutting my eyes in traffic jams and counting down days to a travel date as I move between my family and heart with a war torn soul. I can feel the earth moving beneath my feet and time stealing everything everything everything from this inconsistency I have chosen to fashion into a life.

We don't get to choose our battles, we only get to pick the armour we fight them in.

But you invoke an emptiness in me I wouldn't have known but for you and now it's too late for you to leave and too painful for you to stay and he falls silent I'm a mess and they say I'm the sane one but if you'd looked closer I'd stopped counting down the days to travel dates and starting counting down the days to death instead, baby I'm made of firewood and you've lit the match , a burning desire for intense self destruction and here I am scheduling the date I will bury  my head  under the water after I've stained the bathroom tiles red with the blood from my throat, why didn't you leave , why didn't you stay , I guess it's too late either way but when you see that I've finally forgotten how to stay sane , please don't patronise me by saying you still care.

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