Saturday, 25 July 2015

"You remind me of everything I want to kill you for. "

You burn like an insatiable fire across the forest of my existence , consuming and hungry , leaving nothing in your crazed desire to shred me into the destruction you want to make of my fragile bones and the heart that only ever had space for you . There's ash underneath my fingernails and their protests have made your back red and angry. You're out of control in the way a speeding train is ,you're destined for disintegration in the worst kinds of ways and you're deaf to me when I speak and you accelerate. You've left marks on this body and scars in memory I can never undo and you've ripped my heart up enough to never be erased.
You've insistently consumed my being since day one .
You're deluded that I've forgotten you , if you only knew how difficult you've made yourself to forget.
I love her so much I break on the inside a little bit everyday .
I want her to find god so badly my hands shake when I pray for her.
I want her to find god so badly tears are ripped from my throat with the unyielding force of a heart too small to hold everything I feel for her.
"I love without thinking about death " someone told me once , and I didn't understand till her.
My fingertips smell like you . My brain is a confusing altering state but it never breathes without you,  you've infiltrated every niche of my mind.
Everything I've written for three years has been about you.
I love her enough to find her, but she doesn't want to be found. In this junction of space and time I've  learnt to not call her mine.  In this paradoxical existence we dance around the truth we fought so hard to counter. But have you ever tried to rescue souls that were committed to drowning ?
It is hard.
It was hard.
Nobody ever said it's easy to get out alive. I wish you'd stay for Him. And I wish you'd stay for me. I wish you'd text me somedays and somedays I wish you could see how I've been burnt by you . Chafed and cut up and god how badly I want to save you from yourself it makes every wound reopen and bleed from the same scars you cut open in me and I'm bullet ridden bending backwards and you're unrelenting.
You think you know who you are but you're not the person you are capable of being .
Your sins don't make you. Your weaknesses don't define you. You are so much more than your mistakes.
I wish I could make you tear these  pages and rewrite the story that was always meant to be yours , which you haven't lived. I wish I could make you reclaim everything that was yours back,  and fight the demons within your veins . I wish I could bring you victory against your weaknesses.
You will always be perfect to me.
I wish I could take this bleeding hurt away from you and obliviate it.
I ache for the peace that comes with innocence and I want you to have it so much it cuts me up.
I wish I could save you from your own self  destruction.
I wish for so much it hurts to think about it.
Please  don't get lost.
It hurt enough to lose you once.

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